Since my nighmarish birth experience at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital in New York City, I've still been feeling out of sorts, and I want to reach out to other women out there--preferably BEFORE you give birth.

The experience made me see how combative the relationship with obstetricians and their patients have become. In my case, my obstetrician Dr. Claudia Holland burst into the operating room while I was strapped to the o.r. table, shouting at me that she wanted my verbal consent because she "didn't want to be charged with assault." Is this an incidence of a single individual with anger-management problems or the current state of obstetrics in the U.S.?

Women who want a natural birth should know what they are up against. More than 1 in 4 babies are delivered by cesarean section according to the National Center for Health Statistics. It's major abdominal surgery that risks your future reproductive health! So how does this happen?

Many obstetricians have a motto: "The only cesarean you get sued for is the one you don't do." This puts them at odds with their patients and accounts for the incredibly high cesearean-section rate in the United States today.

This hostile state of affairs leads to some nightmarish birth stories, such as my terrifying experience at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital. I had not known Dr. Holland long, and although I had complaints about her bedside manner, I would never have imagined that any doctor could be so abusive in the operating room or so unprofessional before and after the operation.

At first, her partner was supposed to perform the surgery, but she was called away to do an emergency D&C, I was told. I waited on the OR table, with antibiotics and anesthetic pumping through my veins, and an oxygen mask on my face, for about 20 minutes for Dr. Holland to arrive.

I expected Dr. Holland to come in with some consoling words about why the VBAC was unsuccessful, but instead she burst into the OR and started shouting at me, “I want you to give me your verbal consent! Because I don’t want to be charged with assault! This is not a joke. This is totally serious. You can say yes or you can walk right out of this hospital. I had to cancel my blind mother’s doctor’s appointment! Say yes, or walk out of this hospital, because I don’t want to be charged with assault!!! (And so on and so forth.)” (Note that while she was shouting at me to walk out of the hospital, I was paralyzed from the waist down and literally unable to walk.)

I was completely in shock. If Dr. Holland was angry because she had to miss her mother’s doctor appointment, what had that to do with me? I didn’t force her to come. If Dr. Rutenberg was called away by an emergency to go to, it wasn’t my fault. And of course, I had signed the required consent form before they would even wheel me into the O.R.

Believe me, I did NOT want to say yes, because I did not want to be operated on by a raving surgeon. On the other hand, I didn’t know what would happen if I “walked out of the hospital.” I felt trapped. I do not consider this informed consent.

I was terrified throughout the surgery. I cannot describe to you what it feels like to be operated on by an enraged surgeon and feeling completely helpless. I relive the nightmare every night. It was terrifying and I started to shake uncontrollably. The surgery was extremely violent and painful, as she slammed my body on the table repeatedly. I asked the anesthesiologist for help with the pain, and Dr. Holland snapped, "Give her a general!" even though she knew that it was my wish to be awake to breastfeed immediately after my baby was born. Luckily, the anesthesiologist refused.

At the end of the surgery, I heard Dr. Holland say, “I almost had to take the uterus out.” She didn’t come around to ask how I was or to explain herself. Instead, she started to walk out of the OR. My husband asked her, “What about the cord blood?” (We had registered with the Cord Blood Registry.) She replied, “Oh, that was a complete failure. The cord was too boggy,” and then she left the building, as in I didn't see her again!

I expected to see her in the recovery room, at which time I would ask her why she shouted at me in the OR and what she meant by nearly having to remove my uterus. She never came! Later, she would insinuate that I had some kind of amnesiac episode, but there were other witnesses to the fact that she never came, including my husband and doula. (I wonder if she doctored the books to show that she did come to recovery, or else how could she dare make that claim to me?) She and her partners (not all--she has one lovely, caring partner, Dr. Deli, who unfortunately I saw very little of) continued to treat me like human detritus not worthy of their attention. (There is more to my birth story, including Dr. Holland threatening to sue ME and her repeated insinuations that I was mentally ill! There's no end to this woman's unprofessionalism.)

In retrospect, given Dr. Holland's attitude toward me, I realize that my cesarean section was unnecessary. My baby just needed time to arrive. But it didn't fit with Dr. Holland's schedule and her mother's doctor's appointment. I was supposed to be done by then. I had read about women being coerced into a c/section and about silly reasons for them, such as a doctor's schedule, but I am shocked that it happened to me. I don't know whether the surgery, which was so painful (even under an epidural) and violent, may have done to my reproductive organs.

I filed a complaint with NY State's Office of Professional Medical Conduct, and am awaiting to hear what they conclude. Although I was told that the doctors on these boards socialize with the doctors they investigate, I remain optimistic that there is some independent element to this investigation. My current obstetrician will be ordering some sonograms to check the condition of my reproductive organs once I have finished nursing.

But I can't stop reliving the days that lead up to this unnecessary and horrific surgery. I bought the book "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth," took a so-called VBAC class at the hospital, and hired a doula, and I thought I was sooo covered. But I should have gone to a midwife. I had no idea how big the odds were against me and how alone I would be when they forced me into the operating room. No one in the room said anything to help or support me! I was just another annoying woman who dared to want a natural birth. I definitely felt that everyone was, like, "Let's get this over with! We're all busy here!"

One problem is there's a prevailing attitude even among pregnant women that a c/section is no big deal. I've heard a lot of people say it's painless compared to a vaginal birth.

Well, it's nearly 6 months since my daughter's birth, and I still feel pain in the incision. Of course this makes me worry about the carelessness and violence of the surgery. Will I rupture if I have another baby? What if my child needs the cord blood that Dr. Holland clearly forgot (in her agitation) to extract? Who will answer for this?

I don't want to admit this, but Dr. Holland has made a huge impact on our lives. My husband and I suffer from post-traumatic stress, my baby's first months have been far from tranquil, and we may now never have another baby.