Moms-to-be you need to know that your obstetricians will keep telling you that the most important thing is the health of your baby, as if you don't already know that. That's their key weapon--your guilt. As in: How dare you think of your own health when the health of your baby is also at stake?

The thing is, there is no reason to believe that the health of your baby is at any particular risk with a vaginal birth. That's how babies are born! Obstetricians like Dr. Claudia Holland will try to make you believe you are high risk, because what they are really worried about is their malpractice record. (See my birth story in an earlier post.) Why else would she burst into the operating room shouting, "I don't want to be charged with assault!!!!!"

Until she said that, while I was strapped on the operating table, I didn't even know you could charge a surgeon with assault! My mind was racing on that o.r. table as I tried to answer her and digest this alien concept.

But it certainly felt like assault. And coercion. She coerced me into an unnecessary surgery because of her schedule. [Addendum: Because of some later comments from readers, it's clear that this paragraph has created some confusion about when the coercion took place. Please read my original post for greater accuracy.] Furthermore, the operation was so violent, my body was slammed up and down on the table and I felt pain even under the effects of the epidural. She had some medical data to support her actions, of course, such as the fact that my water had been broken for 24 hours.

But in other countries, such as Britain, where I suppose doctors are not so lawsuit-sensitive, the standard is for women to go up to 72 hours after their waters break before a cesarean is considered.

I relive Dr. Holland snapping over the phone that I had to have the c/section because I was "already scheduled to be in the O.R." and later shouting in the o.r. that she had to miss her "blind mother's (4 p.m.) doctor's appointment." And it's clear to me that I had unnecessary major abdominal surgery for no reason other than her schedule. It's also pretty clear that she forgot to extract the cord blood that we had intended to store for our baby. No one I've spoken to seems to understand the meaning of her explanation for failing to extract the cord blood: "The cord was too boggy."

All my baby needed was time to come. If I had been with a midwife, I wouldn't have undergone this trauma and still be living with pain. My baby would probably have been born on Halloween. I sometimes catch myself telling people she was born in November.

Since this has happened to me, I've read other women's accounts of their VBACs and other births online and spoken to women who have said that they were being coerced-- sometimes because their doctor was about to go on vacation--and they switched doctors at the last minute. I didn't know you could do that. It may seem obvious, but I've never had to consider it in the past.

My current obstetrician laughed when I told her that Dr. Holland said that I HAD to have the cesarean right then because I was already scheduled and the "o.r. might not be available" if we waited until that evening. She said, "No available o.r.? Of course there's always an o.r.! You don't have someone come in with gunshot wounds only to hear, Oh, there's no available o.r.!"

I am so angry with myself for falling for her stupid tricks and pressure. But another point is, one's obstetrician should not be acting and saying the things Dr. Holland did to me, her patient.

Since my nighmarish birth experience at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital in New York City, I've still been feeling out of sorts, and I want to reach out to other women out there--preferably BEFORE you give birth.

The experience made me see how combative the relationship with obstetricians and their patients have become. In my case, my obstetrician Dr. Claudia Holland burst into the operating room while I was strapped to the o.r. table, shouting at me that she wanted my verbal consent because she "didn't want to be charged with assault." Is this an incidence of a single individual with anger-management problems or the current state of obstetrics in the U.S.?

Women who want a natural birth should know what they are up against. More than 1 in 4 babies are delivered by cesarean section according to the National Center for Health Statistics. It's major abdominal surgery that risks your future reproductive health! So how does this happen?

Many obstetricians have a motto: "The only cesarean you get sued for is the one you don't do." This puts them at odds with their patients and accounts for the incredibly high cesearean-section rate in the United States today.

This hostile state of affairs leads to some nightmarish birth stories, such as my terrifying experience at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital. I had not known Dr. Holland long, and although I had complaints about her bedside manner, I would never have imagined that any doctor could be so abusive in the operating room or so unprofessional before and after the operation.

At first, her partner was supposed to perform the surgery, but she was called away to do an emergency D&C, I was told. I waited on the OR table, with antibiotics and anesthetic pumping through my veins, and an oxygen mask on my face, for about 20 minutes for Dr. Holland to arrive.

I expected Dr. Holland to come in with some consoling words about why the VBAC was unsuccessful, but instead she burst into the OR and started shouting at me, “I want you to give me your verbal consent! Because I don’t want to be charged with assault! This is not a joke. This is totally serious. You can say yes or you can walk right out of this hospital. I had to cancel my blind mother’s doctor’s appointment! Say yes, or walk out of this hospital, because I don’t want to be charged with assault!!! (And so on and so forth.)” (Note that while she was shouting at me to walk out of the hospital, I was paralyzed from the waist down and literally unable to walk.)

I was completely in shock. If Dr. Holland was angry because she had to miss her mother’s doctor appointment, what had that to do with me? I didn’t force her to come. If Dr. Rutenberg was called away by an emergency to go to, it wasn’t my fault. And of course, I had signed the required consent form before they would even wheel me into the O.R.

Believe me, I did NOT want to say yes, because I did not want to be operated on by a raving surgeon. On the other hand, I didn’t know what would happen if I “walked out of the hospital.” I felt trapped. I do not consider this informed consent.

I was terrified throughout the surgery. I cannot describe to you what it feels like to be operated on by an enraged surgeon and feeling completely helpless. I relive the nightmare every night. It was terrifying and I started to shake uncontrollably. The surgery was extremely violent and painful, as she slammed my body on the table repeatedly. I asked the anesthesiologist for help with the pain, and Dr. Holland snapped, "Give her a general!" even though she knew that it was my wish to be awake to breastfeed immediately after my baby was born. Luckily, the anesthesiologist refused.

At the end of the surgery, I heard Dr. Holland say, “I almost had to take the uterus out.” She didn’t come around to ask how I was or to explain herself. Instead, she started to walk out of the OR. My husband asked her, “What about the cord blood?” (We had registered with the Cord Blood Registry.) She replied, “Oh, that was a complete failure. The cord was too boggy,” and then she left the building, as in I didn't see her again!

I expected to see her in the recovery room, at which time I would ask her why she shouted at me in the OR and what she meant by nearly having to remove my uterus. She never came! Later, she would insinuate that I had some kind of amnesiac episode, but there were other witnesses to the fact that she never came, including my husband and doula. (I wonder if she doctored the books to show that she did come to recovery, or else how could she dare make that claim to me?) She and her partners (not all--she has one lovely, caring partner, Dr. Deli, who unfortunately I saw very little of) continued to treat me like human detritus not worthy of their attention. (There is more to my birth story, including Dr. Holland threatening to sue ME and her repeated insinuations that I was mentally ill! There's no end to this woman's unprofessionalism.)

In retrospect, given Dr. Holland's attitude toward me, I realize that my cesarean section was unnecessary. My baby just needed time to arrive. But it didn't fit with Dr. Holland's schedule and her mother's doctor's appointment. I was supposed to be done by then. I had read about women being coerced into a c/section and about silly reasons for them, such as a doctor's schedule, but I am shocked that it happened to me. I don't know whether the surgery, which was so painful (even under an epidural) and violent, may have done to my reproductive organs.

I filed a complaint with NY State's Office of Professional Medical Conduct, and am awaiting to hear what they conclude. Although I was told that the doctors on these boards socialize with the doctors they investigate, I remain optimistic that there is some independent element to this investigation. My current obstetrician will be ordering some sonograms to check the condition of my reproductive organs once I have finished nursing.

But I can't stop reliving the days that lead up to this unnecessary and horrific surgery. I bought the book "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth," took a so-called VBAC class at the hospital, and hired a doula, and I thought I was sooo covered. But I should have gone to a midwife. I had no idea how big the odds were against me and how alone I would be when they forced me into the operating room. No one in the room said anything to help or support me! I was just another annoying woman who dared to want a natural birth. I definitely felt that everyone was, like, "Let's get this over with! We're all busy here!"

One problem is there's a prevailing attitude even among pregnant women that a c/section is no big deal. I've heard a lot of people say it's painless compared to a vaginal birth.

Well, it's nearly 6 months since my daughter's birth, and I still feel pain in the incision. Of course this makes me worry about the carelessness and violence of the surgery. Will I rupture if I have another baby? What if my child needs the cord blood that Dr. Holland clearly forgot (in her agitation) to extract? Who will answer for this?

I don't want to admit this, but Dr. Holland has made a huge impact on our lives. My husband and I suffer from post-traumatic stress, my baby's first months have been far from tranquil, and we may now never have another baby.